So I finally decided to talk to you about something that has been happening to me for a while now. This is really difficult to write about because it’s so personal but normally opening up to you all makes me feel better because you are always so lovely and supportive – so *fingers crossed* here goes.
Quite a while back I did a post on Anxiety and there I explained how I got my first panic attacks and what tips you can use to deal with it. What I didn’t explain was what caused me to have panic attacks again and again after the trip to France (it will all make sense if you’ve read the other post.)
So when I got back to school I was really happy – not because I was back at school (hell no) but because I got to meet all my friends and it was like a reunion in a way.
Everything was perfect. I have to admit I wasn’t happy with some of the teachers but that didn’t matter. And then everything started to go downhill. Friends that we friends for a long time started falling out. I was in a friendship group and we all fell out. Well two of my friends went and I stayed with the other friend who I’m going to call Beatrice. I was so hurt that I actually cried – I’m a very emotional person but normally I never cry anywhere unless I’m on my own. And I’ve been hurt a lot and I was so surprised that this got me. My best friend (the one that I never thought I’d lose) walked off with the other person. I felt like natural disaster was happening and nobody could control it – this is me being over-dramatic.
Eventually it all calmed down. I made up with my best friend who I’m going to call Violet and me and Beatrice were closer then ever. Nobody really talked about the arguments any more. Now it’s different but there are no more problems – well there are but they are tiny compared to what happened. I’m happy it’s over and I think it’s safe to say it was the worst thing I went through ever. But although it didn’t get too serious and I know I should be happy, it feels like something inside of me is broken – I know it sounds stupid.
I knew I got anxiety for real now because it isn’t a one-off like it was in France. It keeps coming back. I found things to help me and learnt to deal with it in a way. But lately I’ve been feeling really insecure and I mean really insecure 😦 I’ve been so afraid of it happening again more than it actually happening. Like yesterday, my family decided to go to the park – we were approaching a playground that my brother wanted to go to and I saw a lot of people there. And my anxiety really kicked in as well as my insecurity. It was so bad – at least I was walking 10 paces behind my family and they didn’t see me panic. I mentioned something about me not liking busy places to my mum because I always worry about how I look and I’m insecure (I haven’t told her that I’m also scared of getting a panic attack.) But my mum finds it silly and to be honest it is.
But the worst thing is I can’t control my anxiety any more noting’s helping and I’m so scared…
I hope you don’t mind me writing about this – I promise I’ll get back to my usual self next week. But if any of you have been through anything that I’ve described and you have any tips pleeease let me know in the comments! *virtual hugs*
Lots of love,